Yes, she’s crazy

I believe every woman is crazy at least once in her life, usually with a certain man, but there are other woman who are just truly CRAZY. The woman below is batshit crazy.  My guy friend met her online and asked her to meet up for drinks to which she said yes and gave him her phone number.  This was the text conversation taken from his phone.

Tuesday:

Kevin: Hi Sarah, it’s Kevin (names changed for purposes of this post). glad to hear Thursday works for you.  Is there a specific area you would like to meet? What type of bars do you like?

Sarah: on the UWS near 70th and Columbus.  Someplace like Bin 71.

Kevin: Ok, well then why don’t we just meet at Bin 71.  8pm?

Sarah: No, I didn’t mean we should actually go to Bin.  Just someplace like it.  (mind you the address she gave is 1 block from where Bin is located)

Kevin: um ok, well I don’t really know the UWS so I’ll look some places up.

a few hours later:

Sarah: Hey, really sorry, but I totally forgot I already had plans Thursday, so I have to postpone.

Kevin: No worries.  Next week then

Sarah: Ok thanks.

Wednesday:

Sarah: Hey, my plans actually fell through for tomorrow night so let’s still meet up.

Kevin: Hey, sorry, I already made other plans since you said you couldn’t meet.  Let’s meet next week

Sarah: well I have dates every night next week, so I can’t. (Who says that!!!!)

Kevin: Ok, well then I guess the following week.

Thursday:

Sarah: So what’s the plan for tonight?

Kevin: ??

Sarah: I figured you would want to meet tonight since I am busy all next week

Kevin: No sorry, I told you I have plans.

Sunday morning:

Sarah: I met someone last night and he is great and I didn’t have to go through Match to meet him. so I won’t be going out with you now.  (does she really think a one-night stand will turn into a relationship!)

Kevin: Congrats.  Best of luck to you.

One week later:

Sarah: Want to grab a drink?

No response.

 

Advertisements

“I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger, but she ain’t messin’ with no broke…”

This past August I went to my first Yankees’ game (and first professional baseball game ever) and it was great. My friend  knew a guy who worked for the team so we were given tickets to the Audi Club and inside the club we ran into an old friend of hers that was married.  As is typical whenever a married person is talking to a single person, the friend (we’ll call him Chris for purposes of this article) was dying to be entertained with stories of being single and our dating escapades. Throughout our conversation, Chris  kept mentioning “rich, successful, good-looking guys” that he either knew, wished he knew or wanted to set us up with.  It struck me that he kept saying the words “rich” or “successful” so I finally asked him why he kept emphasizing that the men had to be rich.  (Now let me be clear. Yes, a rich man would be ideal and that is one of the adjectives I would use when describing my dream man to a friend or family member, but I would never so openly talk about it with someone I just met.) He looked at me confused and then simply said “Well why wouldn’t you want a rich guy? That’s like a guy saying he doesn’t want a hot girl. It’s just ridiculous.” Yes, yes it is.  

Of course I want a rich man, and so does every other woman on the face of this planet!!!!!!!! That doesn’t mean I won’t date a man who isn’t rich, but it means I’m going to look for a man who appears to be financially comfortable and more importantly, ambitious and seemingly capable of becoming wealthy. Like with everything, though, it’s all about perception. Below are some indicators that women look for when determining if you can be categorized as “potentially rich”.

1. Do you live alone? The most obvious indicator of lifestyle is where you live.  If you are living in a two-bedroom apartment with 5 roommates it sets off an alarm, whereas if you live by yourself (studio or not) we assume you must be making enough to afford that apartment, which is no small feat. And do you live in Manhattan? We also know that if you have that apartment in Manhattan, versus say Hoboken or Brooklyn, you are paying top dollar.  That’s not to say the outer boroughs are inexpensive (because they aren’t), but Manhattan portrays a certain level of success.  Each borough, and neighborhood, reflects a style that women (and men) make assumptions based on. The location of your apartment not only reflects how much you’re paying in rent, but also your cultural preference (or lack thereof). You should seek to live in an area that fits your personality and bank account.   For example, someone who lives in Williamsburg most likely wouldn’t want to live on the UES and vice versa.  (this applies to all cities, not just NYC).

2. What you do for a living. Let’s face it, she’s going to ask what you do for a living (most likely right before she asks how old you are) and you can’t really change your profession to impress a girl.  That being said, it’s all about the spin you put on it.  I don’t advocate lying, but if your job is on the lower end of the pay scale and has limited upward mobility, you can be vague.  For example, if you are a teacher (not to pick on teachers) you can say “I work in education.” If you’re not comfortable doing that for fear that she may respond with “what do you do in education?” I strongly suggest saying something positive about your job immediately after revealing what you do. For example “I teach high school science; I absolutely love it.” I find that so few people actually like their jobs that when we meet someone who does, we are immediately impressed.

3. Your watch and your shoes. As I’ve said before, these are two things women always notice and they are, or can be, very expensive. These items should be viewed as long-term investments that will last for several years, if not longer, and will be worn regularly.  Find the nicest watch that reflects your personality and make sure you take care of it.  If you buy a watch with a leather band, be sure to replace the band once it gets overly worn and be careful not to scratch the face.  You should also own at least one good pair of work shoes and one good pair of casual shoes.  Post college, sneakers are not an acceptable form of footwear when going out.  If you are looking for casual, easy shoes, check out Cole Haan, Sperry Topsider boat oxfords or classic boat shoes for the summer. (I will have a more thorough post on shoes in the future, but for now you get the idea).

3. Your car. As someone that lives in NYC, cars aren’t really that important or prevalent, but in pretty much every other town or city across America they are.  The thing is, most women don’t really know cars and therefore will only know the two extremes.  If you have a nice car, such as an Audi, Range Rover, BMW or Lexus, we assume you have money.   That being said, I am not recommending going out and buying a car beyond your means.  If you aren’t in a position to buy an obviously expensive car, your only job is to make sure you have a new(ish), clean, normal-sounding car.  Basically, just don’t have an embarrassing, piece-of-shit car that rattles every time you come down the street.   The key is to get a decent car and then take good care of it so it looks nicer than it is. It’s all about maintenance.

4. How you talk about money.  How a person talks about money and the things they have is not only a huge indicator or whether they actually have it, but also how they choose to spend it.  Any discussion of money on any level makes most people uncomfortable so I would avoid the conversation all together.   Also, any type of discussion about expensive things or events can very easily come off as braggy and unattractive – it will make you sound like you are trying to show off and prove that you have money.  People who really have money don’t need to talk about it.  The only women you’ll attract by bragging about  your wealth are real gold diggers. This also applies to your online profile and profile pictures.  If the majority of your pictures consist of you either standing in front of your expensive car or attending a charity polo match it will be clear the image you are trying to convey and it will just look like you are trying too hard.  On the flip side, if you complain about how expensive things are and act cheap, no woman will be attracted to you. It’s a thin line to walk.

5.  Your knowledge of wine, golf, skiing and global cultures. It costs money to travel, and golfing and skiing are two relatively expensive activities while wine is associated with sophistication and can also be quite pricey (think trips to Napa).  Being exposed to all of these things makes it seem as though you have the means to support these activities, as well as intellectual curiosity to seek them out (which translates to ambition). Lucky for you, it  is pretty easy to read up on different cultures and try pretty amazing wines without ever leaving the comfort of your home, while Groupon and similar sites have made  ski and golf getaways more accessible.  So go arm yourself with knowledge.

First impressions mean everything

Before the first day of school every year I remember my father telling me “make sure you make a good impression with your teachers because they are going to decide whether they like you within the first week of class.”  He was right. In fact, according to Princeton University researcher Janine Willis, people form an opinion of you within 1/10 of a second of meeting you and that impression can never be significantly altered.  Therefore, the most important thing you can do when initially approaching a women is smile and be normal.  This seems like pretty lame advice, but I am telling you, the key is to look your best and not do or say anything that would put her on edge.  Every woman loves attention so the mere fact that you are giving it to her  will make her happy- even if you don’t look like Prince Charming, it really doesn’t matter.  I think the best in-person approach is to make eye contact and say “Cheers” while holding up your glass or simply say “hello”.  It is that simple.  Online, you should keep your emails short, positive and to the point. I mean, why would you want to invest a lot of time on a email you don’t even know if she’ll respond to? The key is to write an email that forces her to respond with information she is comfortable sharing with a complete stranger.  You have to remember, even though online dating is now commonplace, women are still aware of the fact that they don’t know the person on the other end of those emails and therefore are a bit guarded.  An example of a good introductory email would be:

“Hi,
How are you? I really liked your profile. How long have you been in New York? What part of Connecticut are you from? I have family in the New Haven area so I’ve  spent a lot of time there. Hope you are having a good weekend and I hope to talk to you soon.”

Perfect.  It is straightforward, references my profile and warrants a response by asking me factual questions about my life, nothing too personal.  It also puts me at ease because he mentioned that he is familiar with CT, so it creates a bond with us- makes me think he is like me.

On the other hand, I received the below email.

“Subject: You can’t be serious…

Totally. Dig. The blonde. It kind of reminds me of a soft and shiny field of wheat, slowly waving in the field on a warm and lazy summer day — right before it gets harvested and processed into beer. Why beer? Who knows, I love beer. And you reminded me of it, which made me smile. Whoa, I just realized the enormity of that statement… your first impression ONLINE made me smile! I guess this is what they mean by love at first sight haha :)Sorry, bad habit — I just say/type stuff impulsively whenever they remind me of stuff — where are my manners, Hi I’m Psycho(ok, well that is my name for him)!

Let’s talk more — when are you usually free to chat?”

Seriously?! Maybe this guy has one of those personalities that is really quirky and endearing once you get to know him, but I don’t know him!!! Therefore I just find everything about his email offensive.  First off, you are comparing my hair to beer. Really?! If you are going to compliment anything about a woman’s  appearance you should say something unoffensive like “you have a great smile.”  That’s about it.  Everything else will come off as creepy and aggressive.   Secondly, don’t even joke about how we have a profound connection by referencing “love at first sight”- that sounds like something a serial killer says when he is kidnapping a woman.  He needs to stick to reality and not write whatever scattered thoughts come to him.  Lastly, by asking when I am free to chat he is A) presuming that I would want to talk to him on the phone and B) asking for my schedule, which is too personal for a first email- it makes me legitimately question if he would begin stalking me.
Therefore, gentlemen, stick to the basics, act normal and just smile and say hello.

Source: Association for Psychological Science 

Please send questions and comments

Please send any questions you want answered, stories you want to share or topics you want covered to kyleneilnyc@gmail.com.  Also, I would love to hear any date recaps you would like to share- I will be happy to post it and provide my commentary.

Women, please let me know the most fun date you have been on.  Be specific.

8 things you should never wear

1. Short-sleeve button-down shirts. You shouldn’t even own this.  You shouldn’t even look at this when you are shopping for clothes.  Nor should you be seen with anyone wearing this.

2. More than 2 sprays of cologne.  Part of the allure of cologne is that we need to get closer to you to fully smell it. Keep it light.

3. Shirts or sweaters with a single hor-
izontal stripe
.  This style went out in the ’90s. Let it go.

4. Turtlenecks.  Doesn’t it feel like you’re  being choked by a very very weak child?

5.Leather jackets.  I know I am going to get a lot of disagreements on this one, but really, they are not flattering on men!

6. Graphic T-shirts or anything made by Ed Hardy.  The only t-shirt a guy should wear is one with a sports team/logo on it or one that is completely plain.

7. A jersey.  If you aren’t actually in the game and you’re over the age of 14 there is no reason for you to be wearing a jersey- grow up. Just wear a team t-shirt like everyone else. It looks trashy and as Jay-z said “I don’t wear jerseys I’m thirty plus. Give me a crisp pair of jeans… button up.”

8. Wife beaters.  Enough said.

contributing editor Dave Parkmont

Best bar to close the deal

Brandy Library

This old world, upscale TriBeCa lounge is the perfect place to conduct a sultry evening filled with seductive glances and flavorful liquor. Stocked with the best Brandies and Whiskies, you will have a wide variety of options that will leave you feeling powerful and relaxed while old-Hollywood drinks, such as the French 75,  will be sure to make her feel like a starlet.  The low, smooth leather couches almost make it impossible to not lean towards your date while the warm, dim lighting, combined with the burning fireplace in the winter, make it almost impossible for her to resist whispering flirtatious temptations into your ear.  The food is good, although mostly unnecessary, as you will be too distracted by your date to think of eating. I recommend going on the weekends to avoid the business men during the week, although any night in this lounge is nearly flawless.  If you want to close the deal or just spice-up your existing relationship, get dressed and have drinks at Brandy Library.Brandy Library located at 25 N. Moore Street, near Varick Street

“everyone likes being complimented, even if they know it’s bullshit.” – my father

There is no sound sweeter to a woman (and maybe even a man for that matter) than a compliment.  We love it!  We love everything about it -even when we know you are feeding us lines. That’s because we want to believe it. I mean, who doesn’t want to believe great things about himself/herself?!  That being said, if you aren’t comfortable giving a compliment, it will often come out forced or sounding like a sales pitch.  In addition,  women will often get a bit uncomfortable when they are complimented because they don’t know how to respond.  Below are some helpful tips on how to give a compliment that will leave her smiling and wanting more…of you!

Delivery: how to sound natural and genuine

The goal when giving a compliment is not sound like you do it all the time to every woman that walks by, but to also not sound forced and awkward like you don’t know how to talk to women and needed to rehearse the compliment.  Either of these deliveries puts a woman on edge and forces her to response.  The best type of compliment leaves little time for a response, other than a quick thank you.  If you aren’t used to complimenting women, start by practicing on a female coworker.  One day simply say to her “I like your shirt” or “your hair looks nice” in passing.  Say it matter-of-factly, as if you are telling her it is sunny outside then keep walking or quickly move on to another topic without skipping a beat. It doesn’t matter if the only female you work with is 60 years-old and scary, this practice will get you comfortable with having that type of interaction with women.

What to compliment:

Stick to the basics.  Hair, clothes, jewelry or shoes.  All of these items are in the safe zone…they are things that won’t trigger a bad reaction and women hold a lot of pride in each of them. You might feel weird complimenting something she is wearing, but believe me, she’ll love it.  About 5 years ago a bouncer complimented my shoes as I was walking into the bar and I still clearly remember him and the shoes. The exchange was all of a 3 seconds, but it made me feel good!

When to compliment:

  • The most important time to compliment a woman, and also the most natural, is when you first see her.  This does not apply to women you are approaching in a bar, this is only for women you already know.  For example, if you are meeting her at a restaurant for dinner, when she walks in and greets you simply say hello, hug/kiss her and when she pulls away from the hug say “you look nice” or any variation of nice.
  • When she is dressed up.  If she is ever dressed up more than normal it is imperative that you tell her she looks great.  “Wow, you look unbelievable/great/fantastic/beautiful.”
  • During sex. this can be a really intimate compliment, such as looking her in the eyes and saying “you’re so beautiful” or something a bit less meaningful, such as “wow, you’re sexy” while looking at any part of her other than her eyes.
  • Do not try to use a compliment as an introduction.  If you have never met a woman before and are approaching her in a bar, do not think that complimenting her will get your foot in the door.  In fact, it will ruin your chances by sounding cheesy.

Now go make her feel special and compliment her.

Boxers or Briefs

I went out with a guy about a year ago, who was a bit older and more established than me.  To paint the picture, he owned a $2 million apartment on the UES (no not the UES-er) and wore a $10,000 watch, while I was living in a two bedroom apartment with a roommate.  I didn’t date him for the money, but all of this is imperative to understanding how the events of our short-lived relationship unfolded. So we went out a few times and each time I had a lot of fun. For our third date he invited me to a nice dinner on a Saturday night.  Up until this point we hadn’t had any sleepovers and our two previous dates were during the week, meaning I was wearing conservative, work attire.  I was really looking forward to finally having a date in which work clothes and a cab ride home at the end of the night were not part of the equation.  For the evening I planned on wearing a strapless dress so I decided to get some sexy strapless lingerie to go underneath.  The date couldn’t have gone better, and by the end of the night we could barely keep our hands off of each other – I was dying for him to take me home.  When we got back to his apartment and started hooking up he couldn’t find the zipper on my dress so I unzipped it feeling sexy and excited to reveal the black lace corset I was wearing underneath.  To my surprise, when he saw my lingerie he said “why do you have so many layers on?”rather than  “wow that’s hot” and jumping on me like I would expect any warm-blooded male to do. I was speechless and mortified…and totally turned off.  I just wanted to put my dress back on and slink away I was so embarrassed, but I refused to be that girl, so I ignored his comment and continued on with where we left off.  Within seconds his pants came off and there in the front of his boxers was a huge hole. No joke, probably  3 inches long over his right thigh.  I was disgusted! Here I am in $200 lingerie (which he had the nerve to negatively comment on) in his $2 million apartment and he couldn’t buy a new pair of $5 boxers. Was he serious!? This is a 43 year old man- why did he not have fresh, clean (yes, I am assuming they are dirty if they are ripped) underwear?! After seeing that I did not want to touch him and got stiff and awkward. Let’s just say the night did not end to his benefit. My point, gentlemen, is that women really care about under garments for both you and themselves.  We really don’t care if you wear boxers or boxer briefs (tighty whiteys are never a turn on, but I have seen some black and grey briefs that were hot – although I wouldn’t encourage wearing them the first time you are going to be with a woman), but whatever you are wearing should be clean and in tact. I mean, if you are that close to getting laid, why would you mess it up by not having normal underwear?! And I can assure you that women put a lot of thought into their bras and panties, so take a moment to acknowledge how good she looks in them- just simply say “wow” when you see her in them.  Believe me, it will go a long way!!!

If you are looking for a good pair of boxers or boxer briefs, see my recommendations below. General rules to follow when buying underwear is to stay within the blue family for boxers and for boxer briefs stick to grey or black.